Church Humor

Bible Characters We Should Cancel

Something incredible has happened in the last few years. We finally reached the pinnacle of human enlightenment and moral perfection!

Of course, there are still benighted holdouts. Fortunately, we possess the steely resolve required to smoke them out, subject them to public humiliation via social media and, ideally, get them fired from their jobs. It’s for their own good, really.

From our lofty perch we’ve also been able to scan back through history and proclaim which historical figures don’t measure up. Now it’s time to do it with the Bible. There are tons of characters crying out for cancellation, and not just the baddies.

Think of King David. As Tyler Huckabee wrote of Israel’s famous king: “ok wow … unfollowing now. Was a big fan of his music but was not aware that he’d sent Uriah to the battle where he knew he would be killed.”

I would add that he was very mean to giants as well. Since being extremely tall is a disability of sorts, that’s tantamount to ableism. Cancelled.

Then there’s Ezekiel. He delivered blistering critiques of Israel, which is fine. But it’s the language he used that I find problematic. He repeatedly accused them of playing “the whore” and being unfaithful to God. I don’t even know where to start, with the flagrant “slut-shaming” or the fact that the technical term is “sex worker.” Ugh. Cancelled.

Now don’t even get me started on the patriarchs.

Drew Dyck Drew Dyck

Contributing Editor

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